TRAVEL ETIQUETTE - the art of travelling

It has to be said - there is a certain art to backpacking. Not everyone can do it and not everyone should. There are some people who probably should have stayed at home, bought a cat, a snuggie and a beer keg and made the travelling circuit a bit easier for the rest of us!

There is a certain etiquette that should be followed, and for some people it comes naturally. But for those who are not quite street smart enough here is my simple crash course in Travel Etiquette, read closely, you know who you are.

PART ONE : HOSTEL ETIQUETTE

Snoring – I know it can’t be helped so it’s a bit unfair to get pissed off at people who snore but the truth is there is nothing worse than a hideous snorer in your dorm room. You know that loud, tractor being murdered by a herd of cats and cows noise that drones ON and ON and ON.. Well if you do snore and it’s so bad it keeps people awake here are some suggestions; invest in an anti-snoring mouthpiece or an anti snore/apnea pillow would be a great idea, and if all else fails do the rest of us a favour and get a correction operation.

Squeaky beds – Every now and then hostels will have squeaky annoying bunk beds. This is obviously not the fault of the traveller but if you do happen to get placed in one of these beds and you notice a squeaky noise as you’re fidgeting around your bed, STOP FUCKING FIDGETING! Easy solution

Farting – if you have a flatulence problem and find yourself having gaseous releases in the company of fellow travellers you have 2 options. 1) Pretend nothing happened and leave the room for a short moment, or 2) apologise, have a little laugh and move on. Most importantly don’t giggle like a pre hormonal teenage girl...

Bag repacking – suitcase/backpack repacking is an unavoidable reality of travelling. It’s annoying and tedious but it must be done. It must not, however, be done after 11pm or before 8am. If you know you are leaving, get your shit together and get organised! It’s not fair to the people who are sleeping when you start clumping around the room banging shit and being annoying.

Timing – There is a sort of unspoken rule about timing in hostels. Obviously the point of travelling is to explore and enjoy new experiences. Coming home at 4 am is just part of the deal, we shall call it ‘a perk’. On the other side of the coin is the need to sleep and catch up after all those nights of travelling and late nights, enter ‘the afternoon nap’. Afternoon naps are fine and to be expected (from time to time) but don’t get pissy when people turn on lights and make noise. These are the same people you pissed off when you came in at 4am and smashed into the table or vomited all over the floor... So let’s make a rule for everyone to stick to: between the hours of 9am and 11pm its lights on. Do what you want, make noise, turn on the lights, scrunch plastic bags and use your electric toothbrush, but between 11pm and 9am Shut the hell up and let everyone sleep.

PART 2 – GETTING FROM A to B

Obviously transport is a huge part of the intrepid travellers’ life. Whether it’s a gruelling overnight bus from Poland to Hungary, or a measly two hour train from Cambridge to London, or a flight from Australia to New Zealand, it is literally impossible to get by without it.. Unless you are a really good swimmer!! Negotiating maps and timetables can always be a bit challenging not to mention in another language, and then there is always the stinky crazy randoms that you have to avoid eye contact with... To help make the experience easier here are some guidelines;

Directions – if you find yourself in a situation where someone is asking you for directions and you are not sure of the answer, be honest. There is nothing more annoying than a vague non committal referral that sends you to the wrong side of town. Also, if you are in a foreign country where you don’t speak the lingo, if someone you ask directions or information from clearly doesn’t understand you then speaking louder and repeating yourself isn’t going to cut it. Try hand gestures and hand written maps, a lot more polite too!

Trains and Buses – trains and bus travel are often slower but much cheaper options when it comes to cross continent travel and it is not the nicest form of travel, especially bus. On buses try not to decline seats unless you have to, and if you do have to its nice to look at the person behind you first to give them a heads up.. The same person might cut your pony tail off in your sleep if you are not careful! Also if you are sitting next to someone that you do not know and you fall asleep DO NOT sleep on that person!! Odds are they are too polite to shrug you off which is unfortunate for them, or they might have lice, or they might punch you in the face..

When it comes to train travel there are 2 important things – never leave your suitcase in the isle – that’s just lazy! And most importantly enjoy watching all the people falling asleep... as their heads tilt and their eyes droop it’s great fun to watch as they jolt their necks back and look around in less than subtle embarrassment looking to see if anyone noticed. 10 points if you get a photo ;)

There are 2 final things that apply to both bus and train travel; if you listen to an ipod or play a Nintendo DS type thingy try not to play it too loud, or if you are into hard core rocking it out super loud then at least buy yourself some sound cancelling earphones, do it for your ears!! And try to think of others and give your seat up for fellow travellers. Sometimes someone gets on the bus with a heavy back pack and all they want is a seat for 15 minutes.. Be a dear a give them a seat!! It can be your good deed for the day (see song – What About Phil, at the end).

PART 3 – TRAVELLING WITH OTHERS

If travelling on your own is an art then travelling with others is the Mona Lisa. Some like it, some don’t, some should do it, some really shouldn’t, for some it is worthwhile and for others it will cause more heartache than if they had just gone without. I personally have done a lot of both (including seeing Mona) and it’s hard to say which is better, both have their merits, and for both there are ways to deal with the pitfalls;

Relax – When travelling with others it is really important to keep calm and level headed. Don’t yell or get irate. Try not to get irritated with each other and when you do - keep calm and take some space. Be prepared to take a day or afternoon off from each other every now and then, and if your travelling partner is the first to suggest it don’t take it personally, it will be better in the long term, believe me! Avoid snide comments at other people, even in foreign countries. Just because you think they don’t understand you doesn’t mean you are right, I can promise you that!

Contribute/Compromise – Obviously not every person is the same, which means travel itineraries will vary. Some like art galleries, some like markets, some like planning to the last minute and some like just moseying around, each to their own, as they say. If you have something in particular you want to do then vocalise it, then you can’t get pissed off if you feel like you are being dragged along. Speak up, or shut up.

Hangrrr – I recently read this blog after coming in close contact with a group of Hangrrr sufferers (http://sasasunakku.com/fight-hangrrr/) and it had me thinking about Hangrrr and its affect on travellers. The blogs definition of Hangrrr is essentially anger that is caused by hunger, or a persistent feeling of irritability caused by hunger and unfortunately it affects most people. My mother in particular gets horrible cases of Hangrrr. Diabetics or people with blood sugar levels are more often affected as is understandable, but they will not be forgiven for their behaviour. Hangrrr is bad enough as it is but when you are travelling you quite often skip meals either because you are so preoccupied with what’s happening around you or because you can’t find anywhere appropriate to eat. After recent experiences I have decided that once someone has announced they are hungry there is 20 minutes until the onset of Hangrrr symptoms commence. To avoid any arguments best to get to a restaurant ASAP or at least get a gyros into that Hangrrrry stomach!

Peengrrr – A phenomenon I myself recently discovered! I am not too heavily affected by Hangrrr but on a recent trip to Eastern Europe I had a few bouts of Peengrr, anger that is brought on by the overwhelming ‘about to be an embarrassing moment’ need to pee. Similar to Hangrrrr, it is important to get to a toilet within 20 minutes of announcing the need to Pee, if this is not achieved not only will you have a very Peengrrrry person on your hands, and maybe the need to go pant shopping. Fast food chains are generally a good option for a fast, free pee.

Punctuality – being late is not cool, especially when it affects other people. Set your alarm and stick to it, running for a train is not fun, especially with a suitcase!

PART 4 – Day to day walking around

I like to think of travelling as a team sport, even if you are travelling on your own. Helping each other out is important! So to hit a home run here is what you should do; always help others with directions, help other travellers and give lots of tips and suggestions of things to do, if you see a traveller on their own invite them to join you, be aware of what is happening around you and other people’s reactions to your actions. If you are a loud Italian try to be less loud, if you see single parents travelling with children give them a hand, and if you see disadvantaged people always do your best to help. What goes around comes around...

“To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted.” – Bill Bryson

JAIME AND ANGIE'S REMIX OF "WHAT ABOUT ME" Espanya Style -2004

There's two little girls going on a train to Blanes. They've been waiting back there waiting for a seat,

but everyone thinks they are insane.

They've been pushed around, Knocked to the ground,

But they get to their feet and they scream...

WHAT ABOUT ME??

It isn't fair!! I've got a sore back and I need that chair.

Can't you see.. There's 15 Kilos in this pack

But you Spaniards don't seem to give a crap